The Hero Vault
Modern gear for the modern crime fighter
Buccaneer Boots
These used to be a staple of the hero’s wardrobe. Everybody who was anybody needed some flanges on his or her boots if he or she was going put them to an evil doer’s ass. It’s just the way things were done. But the buccaneer boot ($280) has fallen on hard times. It’s seen as dated not classic. It calls back to a time that has no bearing on the evil practiced today. Bullshit, The Hero says. Lace ‘em up, and lace ‘em up high.
Shield
This one is largely for show. This concave shield ($320) is made of steel certainly, but this thing is not stopping any bullets. It’ll stop fists and bats and knives probably. At over eight pounds you best have the strength to hoist this steel disc around. Having said that, if you are one of these heroes that leads by example this is perfect. If you stand up in your community as symbol that says there is some crap up with which we will not put then this is the accessory for you. Plus it will probably double as a bitchin’ sled in a snow storm.
Shoulder Armor
Spandex is not the answer. Spandex is never the answer. Even if you are Jesus-on-the-cross ripped spandex should never cover your back. That limits your uniform options, the Hero knows. Some folks go the trenchcoat route, others the leather jacket. Some cats out there are running around in football pads. It’s all good. Check out these Sephiroth replica pauldrons ($350) made from real metal. Yeah, these could work.
Mercedes-Benz G-Wagon
So maybe a 1938 Phantom Corsair isn’t your bag. Maybe you’re looking for something more in the armored assault ballpark. There’s only one group of people that know more about steel plating a vehicle than the The A-Team and that’s the Germans. The Mercedes-Benz G-Wagon LAPV 6.X Concept is bullet proof from floor to ceiling, can carry over 2,800 pounds of cargo, and has 18 inches of travel on each wheel. What this thing can’t crash through it can climb over. All while carrying you and the rest of your ‘Vengeance League’.
Ballistic Face Mask
I once had a Royal Air Force soldier tell me that it is preferable to get injured in the face rather than the gut. Facial injuries are apparently much less lethal than you might think. Screw that noise. Get yourself a Ballistic Face Mask ($380) and mean instant business. These terrifying bits or armor will protect your face from level IIIA ballistic threats keeping your billionaire playboy routine intact.
Grappling Hook Redux
It’s been pointed out to the Hero that the grappling hook featured earlier on the Vault was not up for the job. It was a gimmick. It held no weight. It wasn’t truly ‘collapsable’. Fair enough. The Hero listens. The Capewell Retractable Grappling Hook ($195) can hold the weight of six grown men and weighs in at a scant 1.5 pounds. To say nothing of the fact that this steel claw looks downright menacing.
Motion Sensor Camera
We all can’t be heads of international conglomerates. As much was we’d like to be. Some of us have day jobs. We fight the crime when we get to it. We don’t have all night/day to sit on a roof and watch a suspect’s hideout. Why not get one these bad boys here and strap it to a telephone pole. The Moultrie Game Spy
Phantom Corsair 1938
Known at one time as the Flying Wombat the 1938 Phantom Corsair prototype car is what every superhero dreams of driving. This is the embodiment of all the tenants and ideals that a proper crime fighter should hold dear. Sleek, iconic, undeniably classic and all business. Sure, it weighs in at around two tons but it’s got a monster V8 in there and can do around 115 if it needs to. All it needs now is an oil slick sprayer and hidden caltrop ejector. Sadly, these were never mass produced so you’ll never get your hands on one. Get back in your Civc, err, Justicemobile!
Riot Gloves
You know, if you’re going for that Grifter trench coat thing you really need the gloves to tie it all together. These Riot Gloves ($60) send the correct message. These gloves are for getting your hands dirty. These gloves say very plainly that you are not here to pursue a diplomatic solution. These gloves will take a punch or a bat and keep moving forward. Wear them and be vindicated agent of justice.
Monocular
Citizen, if The Hero can impart one bit of knowledge to you it is this: pack light. Get what you need on to that sweet utility belt, make no mistake. We’ve still got a lot to cover around here but you’ve got fire escapes to scale and potential informants to silently track. You can’t be loaded down with bulky supplies. Case in point, you don’t need two lenses when one will do. Enter the Vanguard Monocular
Lock Picks
Depending on who you ask picking locks is very easy or very hard. I think we can all agree that it’s not as easy as we see on television. Well, unless you’re watching Mythbusters. Seeing Adam struggle with a lock for 20 minutes was strangely vindicating. However, we are crime fighters and fighting crime comes with a certain amount of tight spots. Carry around these lock picks ($6) and make a spot less tight. That’s all I’m saying.
Arm Bracers
You have to be real careful about using any kind of dark age style armor when you’re out there stomping ass because it’s easy to be mistaken for one of those ren-fair people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I day dream about being illiterate and expiring from cholera all the time. These bad boys are too cool though. Sure you could get some second hand SWAT elbow pads but why would you do that when you could have these shining bits of bad assery? Sold by Armstreet.com for $140.
Flying Car
We’ve talked about stunt driving courses here and for good reason. It will be a while before you need one of these babies: the Terrafugia Transition. A flying fucking car. Pictured here with wings fully extended the Transition can transform into a really goofy looking car. But you know, paint it all black or whatever and it could be cool. Now when your arch nemesis makes his escape to his island fortress you can tail him, no worries. Or if you just need to get to Jersey in a hurry.
Super Hero Cowl
When you get right down to it finding a respectable Super Hero mask is not easy. There are miles of bagged ‘adult’ (meaning sized for grown ups not XXX) Halloween costumes out there. With their plastic masks and onesie overall foam muscles. It’s a disgrace. The Hero has already weighed in on using an old fashioned balaclava but if you really think you need a proper cowl then check out Xtreme Design FX. Try to look past the Mountain Dew-ness of the company name, as well as the Flash ridden website and get yourself a professional cowl ($100-$150).
Custom Leather Jacket
You know who kinda got it right? The freaking Rocketeer. The movie itself was a little campy but that jacket, brother. Yes. Anyone can find Vanson leathers that vaguely resemble the color scheme that they day dream about and doodle on notepads during meetings. Anyone. But then you’re a guy (or girl) sporting matching motorcylce leathers in some bright color. Then you’re not a superhero are you? Know what you are? We’ve got a term for it. You’re a Power Ranger. Avoid all that and get one of these custom jackets($150) from South Beach Leather.
The Hero has a dream. A dream where there's a finger printing kit in every utility belt and the rappelling cord never ends. He has thrown wide the doors to his secret lair. Every trick, every skill, and every tool is here in The Hero Vault.
Following
- wellthatsjustgreat
- sampham
- artyattack
- corgiaddict
- thecomickid
- pandastuff
- moveyourbooty
- clientsfromhell
- aplacetolovedogs
- b-c-d
- fuckyeahbulldog
- hungoverowls
- kevinnuut
- comicbooks
- cameronmoll
- garfieldminusgarfield
- theninjarope
- iloveoldmagazines
- dmcdelorean
- sketchlab
- subwaydouchery
- iheartgeek
- peoplewho
- bauldoff
- fattyfat
- ohyeahadorablepuppies
- graphicly
- artsygamer
- vintagology
- graphicpeel
- losangelist
- comic-relief
- marvelsladyliberators
- collegegirlsareeasy
- thebigcaption
